Amidst coffee-driven, alcohol-infused conversations with friends, a recurring realisation took place. The strained “you wouldn’t believe who I saw the other day” and volatile moments of malicious intent not only brought on a longing sadness, but an emptiness within my heart. For every time I caught whisper of my past lover diminishing a complex connection down to a mistake, or the times I found myself reflecting and searching for a reason to despise, I found there was less love in my heart to give. And how long, I thought, does this go on for before I am no longer capable of seeing the beauty in what was once heartfelt love- and how long until I have run out of love to give? I too am guilty of finding myself in heated moments of fiery disdain, but I wonder if these are merely the leftover remains of what once was a passionate affair.
Although this world is large, and unforgiving, when you look around after running for so long, there are strings that tie you to this person who you once considered your person. And instead of being so quick to burn these, and set them alight, I have recently been allowing myself to exercise the time to walk down the length of these memories, and to reflect, and rejoice. No matter how frustratingly unbearable this ex-lover was at times, let yourself walk down the rope and thank them for the time and company they did offer. And perhaps, next time you find yourself in an uncomfortable moment of playing confrontational catch-up with a past lover- challenge yourself to laugh, and relish in the times you spent together, instead of having the last memory you two endure be one of malice and pettiness. I promise you, this can be a wonderful gift to give yourself in a moment that feels as though the world does not often repay you in these times.
And to the lovers who speak ill word of me, the same ones who resided inside of me, please remember: in past days you thought I was the sun, don’t let that light burn out completely, for it will allow you, as continue your journey, to see the light within others.