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A love letter
To being a child,
You make me happier than I ever thought I could be,
I feel chuffed all hours of the day.
Grinning from ear to ear.
Even on days when the sky is a pale grey
And i’ve grazed both my knees and elbows,
I know that I’ll be just fine
Because you’re here with me.
But I think I’m losing you.
To being a grown up,
I get so nervous around you.
I trip and stumble and
I’m not sure I’ll ever get around to having the right words.
But I think I’m falling.
I remember the giddiness of when we first met,
That bar by the railway where you bought me a drink.
We have been together so long
So long in fact I can’t even remember meeting you.
The memory is so old and faded
All I can recall is kindness and light.
There were fairy lights!
Crystallising the sky into diamonds and blurs!
I’ll remember it forever:
How August gets so so cold sometimes.
How we sat by the gas heater with scarves and beanies.
A summer that seemed to last an eternity.
I cannot imagine my life without you.
It was so cold,
I could see the pattern of my breath,
Steaming into the crispness.
I say important things now.
With you, I say important things.
They even mark the air.
And then I thought, yes,
I think I’m falling.
The warmth of your embrace fills me up and turns my insides to caramel.
You make everything so fun,
So full of joy,
All problems seem miles away,
Like little dots on a far off hill.
But the grey skies are persisting
And I saw those little dots
growing into strangers I don’t recognise.
And then, I thought, yes.
I think I’m losing you.
Last night I had a bad dream
A scary one
I was alone in my bedroom
And it was dark
But not the kind of darkness ones eyes adjusts to
It was all consuming and I felt like I was drowning.
I felt so lost.
You were nowhere to be found
And my night light was broken.
I had dreams about the day I’d find you.
How we’d drink wine and drive around in the middle of the night.
Lounge room folk songs, maybe.
How I thought I’d be ready.
I’m still not ready.
I know I’m losing you
And I think maybe you’re the one pulling away.
I know I’m falling.
I think maybe you’re the one that pushed me.
I was never going to be ready.
Oh, I still wear shoes with Velcro.
I never fit all the grown up shoes
and I find too much joy in the squash of autumn leaves beneath my boots.
I make flippant decisions about my hair
at the crux of emotional crises.
I wear odd socks out of pure laziness to find each one it’s pair
I’m not ready
Most certainly not ready.
Everytime I flirt with adulthood I feel strange.
Anytime I walk through the night
Or buy ingredients for pasta
My stomach turns in a weird way
I’m not ready
To let go of my unceasing love for High School Musical
And to actually start thinking about where my money goes
I’m not ready to leave this bubble
Of minimal responsibility
And much anticipation.
I was never going to be ready,
And yet, somehow,
I think I’m falling.
In love? Maybe.
In chaos? Yes.
Why do you have to leave?
We are so good together
We never fight
And you laugh at all my jokes.
Is it me?
Sometimes I look in the mirror
and stare at the soft skin on the upturn of my cheek,
The pillows my eyelashes rest upon after long nights and sunrises that arrive much too early.
I think about the way cold air hits them on August mornings
and the way the tip of my nose goes pink from frost
Oh Youth, I think.
Maybe I’ve changed too much
Maybe I’ve turned into a person
You can no longer love.
Our interests are no longer shared,
You want to stay right where you are, remaining comfortable
And I want to be extremely uncomfortable
Whilst seeing the wide world.
So though I know I’m losing you
I’m going to hold my breath
And enjoy these last few moments
And though I know I’m falling,
I hope I don’t fall too hard just yet.
I hope I don’t lose too much just yet.